it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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