Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
