i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
