Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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