Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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