i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize