My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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