i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
