oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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