I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize