she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.