I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
