How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
