some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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