im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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