your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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