i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
