Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
