Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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