How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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