Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
