I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
