I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
