Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
