Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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