So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
