I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
