Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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