I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
