she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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