Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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