remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
