goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
