the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
