I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
