Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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