I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
