I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
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