I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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