Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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