I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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