dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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