U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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