I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
