Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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