I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
