I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Randomize
