he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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