everyone is single if you try hard enough
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
