Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
