im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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