and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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