a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
