rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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