I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
